Monday, December 22, 2014

I'm an a$$

I am kicking myself. Hard.

I have a tendency when things go sour in my life to not deal, to bottle and then to pick a fight with the safest person I know wont walk away and then emote all over them.
Say things that I dont mean, usually when I am drinking. Its awful.
I thought I had it beat, I thought I was getting a little healthier on the emotional scale and then bam.

Holidays, plus family crisis and oh I was a rock, didnt cry, didnt panic did exactly what I had to and held everyone else together. Then Boom, I got ONE DAY with my man who i can say anything too. He is my rock when it falls apart, but did I say that? no.
Did I just simply curl up and say " i need you " no. I think my lips may fall off before I get that one out.

Nope, I drank scotch and before I knew it it was an ugly scene where I was picking at things that do not matter. I dont even know what I said but I have this impression in my head of being awful. I know I picked at nothing, just to give me a reason to melt down.

So I ask this? how do I overcome pride enough to just sit down and cry about something when it happens.

How can I let go of needed to be everyones rock and just let someone look after me when I need it ?

It can never happen again. He is understanding and all is well, but he is to much and matters to much to have to deal with me freaking about nothing.

How do i just simply overcome my terror of emoting and showing my broken bits?

all I know is I can never tear someone I love down again to give me an excuse to cry.
So, as I said , I am an A$$ and there is no amount of telling me it does not matter that will make me feel ok about it. Not going to dwell just need to get it out and let it go.

How does a person say when they need support? a million nice words cannot heal the sting of a cruel one, I know that first hand.

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