Tuesday, December 24, 2013

It knocks softly.

I have been feeling so empty these last few weeks. Not in my outside life. I love my life. Things are beyond amazing in my life acutally, I believe that this is the the thing that gave me the clarity I needed to see a path. I have been feeling for a while now like my job.. my career.. is void of purpose. I am not helping anyone. I am infact simply shoving dollars around and that really makes me feel like a corporate hound. My company is fantastic and I really saw no way to go back to school at age 34 with a family and survive through what it would take to follow my dreams of being in medicine. I dismissed it a long time ago and tried to be happy having a "solid job with a pension". I work with wonderful people and if I was happy to just be a 9-5er then this would be something that I could be happy doing. I had learned how to settle in my life. And then 2013 happened and I came out of my mental cave. Then I was inspired to change. It was the smallest kick in the ass and I did not even really recognize it for what it was at the time. My kiddo was at the emergency room with a bad infection in her finger. She suffers from dishydhrotic eczema and one of the blisters had broken and become nasty looking. I hit the panic button when it was beginning to throw a red streak down the side of her finger and spent the day soaking her in Epsom Salts and treating her with polysporin. As evening came around the streak was growing and I texted D just for a second less paranoid opinion. He said not to mess with it and validated what I was already thinking, so we went to emergency as all the clinics were closed. we sat for 4 hours and I just listened and watched the buzz and hum of the ER. I felt 100% peaceful in there. I didnt like being in that particular hospital for personal reasons as its where dad died but even that faded as I sat there with the kido. When we went in to see the Dr finally she looked and told me thatI had been right. Not only had I been right but she was very impressed that I had treated it so well. She told me that my working on it during the day had likley been the reason it had not become much worse. I got mommy points. I felt amazing! But I dismissed it at that. Then, Last night I was talking to D. We were talking about being inspired and how you just cant force it. I was thinking in an artistic sense. Saying that I had not felt inspired to write for so long. I was just feeling a lack of inspiration in my whole life. Hard to put into words why you do or do not find inspiration in life but something clicked. It is time. So, I have begun a plan. Not my usual type of plan. This is not an instant gratification plan, it will take years literally. But, I am going to become a doctor of Natural Medicine. I will do this by the time I am 43. When I think of the last 10 years and how awful they have been I feel I need to spend the next 10 filling myself back up. Its very selfish, I have learned its ok to be selfish. I feel like I booked a trip to the best place on earth. I am so excited.

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