Friday, September 6, 2013

when it rains.....

Well yesterday proved to be one HELL of a day. Not really in the best sense either. I had mentioned a few months ago that I was having issues with urticaria (Chronic hives) and permanenetly itchy skin. This has never abated but I think I just got used to it and had put it from my mind. About 6 weeks ago I began to have heartburn. I have never ever had heartburn before and it was bad. It was like " bring tears to my eyes" bad. Pain in my ribs, under my jaw and at the base of my throat. It was bad enough that I began a process of going to Dr's to see what was up. To make a very long story short I ended up yesterday at an internal specialist who informed me he thinks that my Gallbladder is acting up and needs to come out. oh.. wonderful. Skin issue is directly related, build up of bile in the bloodstream to be specific. So I was not in the best mood yesterday afternoon. I do not want to have surgery again, I have done that about 9 times in my life and the last thing I want is another recovery time and disfiguring scar. I decided to go to karaoke to aleiveate my stress last night and I walked in to find that an ex ( the one who caused most of my issues in relationships and was physically abusive) was in the bar. I have been civil over the 12 years but I was in a flat panic. Unprepared to see him as I was I really had no idea what to do, so I said hi. Then I began to drink. He mentally fucked me up so badly even though it was so long ago that I was terrified. I was shaking, I could hardly sing and that is going some.The thing is he has the most beautiful voice, and music was always a bone of contention between us because although I was good he was always critical. It took me years to be able to get up and sing without hearing what critique would have happened if he was in the room. I would have been fine I think to ignore him for the night but he decided that of all nights, yesterday was the day that he needed to apologize to me for everything. I had the chance after so long to say " you terrified me, you were a dick and you were mean" I also said " I am 5'2" and you are 6'3" I never had a chance to defend myself. I had envisioned being tall and proud when I had that conversation if I ever had it. I envisioned beating him down verbally with my wonderful life and my strength. All I felt was pity because in front of me was this broken man that let himself be eaten alive my his own actions. Let himself be consumed by the negative things in life that he gave in too and now feels its just too late. I am not talking just about me, there was more than me I know that I hear stories and its a small town. So I did the only thing that I could do to free myself, I forgave him. I said my piece and it did not leave me feeling strong or free, I felt like I had been wrapped in plasitc and was numb. I relived scenes in my head that I do not want to relive ever again. They have not stopped today either. I know I am in a triggered state. I had dreams last night of my "partener" ( he was faceless and nameless ) stalking me, tricking me out of work ( I worked at a drug store in my dream) and then coming to try and kill me. In the dream I got the police in time and they knew about him . I escaped but I woke up terrified, a cold detached fear that I KNEW was not based in reality but has stayed wtih me all day. I should feel free today, I should feel like I closed a chapter. In reality I did, we had pleasant enough conversation and I did tell him all about how great my life is but I feel hollow. I am the girl today who got a nosebleed once from ironing a shirt of his. The collars had to be starched, it was white and I couldnt get the collar right. I was so afraid of the aftermath from a crooked collar that my nose started to bleed and I had to destroy the shirt. I can remember running it to the dumpster hidden in bags incase he found out. Sad and broken man now? well I was sad and broken for years. Little whispers in my mind everytime i had someone in my heart. I could not trust, I could not stand to be yelled at or around. He can apologize and I can accept it but I can not say that I will ever forget that feeling. If I am honest I feel afraid right now writing this incase it is ever discovered. That is one reason why I know I have too. I hope drinking a few with D tonight does not bring out my demons. I really just want to be in his safe , warm, and totally loving presense. That is my reality and that is my present. The past will go back to the shadows I have been through this before, I just have to ride it out. Maybe this time though, It wont come back again .

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