Thursday, August 8, 2013

It never goes away, you just learn to live with it

Here I am , having a perfectly normal day and work and them BAM, I see an article that has to do with a retired "dairyland driver".
So, my dad worked for Dairyland foods for 30 years before he got sick and passed away.
I started to cry, much beyond my own control. Not sobbing and unable to function but just enough to put an apple in my throat and have to blink a few times.
 I got to thinking, 10 years.. it has been 10 years this year. That is 10 Christmas's , 10 birthdays, 10 Summers.

Not to mention the countless nights of missing our "secret food channel dates" when I was a teenager and countless times I have wanted to call to ask him to please talk my mother down off the roof because I did not ask for the job.

10 years of feeling bitter that he did not see his granddaughter grow up, or his daughter for that matter, I have changed so much since that day.

I told my cousin a while ago when she asked me  " how do you figure out how to go forward when the whole world is wrong now?"

I said, " you feel it, every time it sneaks up on you , you feel it, you cry , you get mad, you laugh, you cry more and  you go numb but eventually.. you learn to live with it."

I find now in my life I am more sad when I think of my dad now than I was when he first passed or through most of the last 10 years. I am a person that I feel now he would have been proud of.
I am happy in my life, I am successful in the fact that I am happy, I am a good parent and I am unwilling to settle for less than what I know I can have. I have only ever wanted to be happy in my life, that has always been my driving goal.

If I could tell him that, If I could say " I am happy, I got it right" I might feel some peace. As it is, I guess, I will just continue to live with it, hoping that I am correct when I think about the fact that energy has to go somewhere and hopefully his energy knows that he did it all right.

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