I am through being haunted.
I would normally not write something that I felt was going to bare my soul a bit but today it has to happen.
I will never stare down demons unless I stare them in the face.
I have just had a wonderful and amazing weekend, but it was tainted by a whiskey soaked sob session that had to grounding relavence to my current life. I have done it before, had scars from my past bubble up around me and disguise themselves as present day.
I started a conversation with the intention of just telling D how happy I was. All my fears and insecurities that I assumed neatly tucked away came bubbling out instead.
I cried for an hour and then proceeded to feel worse as I watched the confusion build. He thought he had done something wrong. I know I was not making much sense.
So, here it is, I have just never had something that was just good. I am a terrible over thinker because everything in my life, every relationship has had layers, nothing was just what it seemed and I was wounded, sometimes physically from taking people at face value. I used to be called gullible because I trusted so easily. I have not been called that in a very long time.
I have never been a victim, I have always just thought that these things happen and taken it in stride. I did not know the peace that can come from just relaxing and trusting what someone says to you is just simply what it is, that there are not things that are left to assumption, no games being played.
I have scars, I may have not been the person who has physically scrapped in my life with people but I have fought epic battles and had to learn to be tough, calculated, hyper aware of my surroundings. I have been called out to the playground more than once to settle a score. I am even now speaking in prose and it is my gut response to shelter my meanings. I am not proud of myself for falling apart.
I think, maybe, I was questioning and searching for clarity because it still seems impossible to me that there is a person that I would not change if I had all the powers in the world to do so. There are no pieces that niggle away at me as things that I can "accept". No one has ever been just what they seem. I believe that he is.
On that note, I have never been so accepted. I think that when you added whiskey to a brain that is trying to understand why someone can make them so happy and why it seems so easy, well I guess the defenses went up and I felt the need to throw out some barbs, take a stand on my emotions. A proverbial throw down to show that "hey, I am strong and not ruled my heart, my head has something to do wtih this too".. Put that together with a constant desire to tell someone that life is good with them, that life is wonderful and the world is better now that they are in it. Well, you just get a soggy puddle of female emotion tempered by ghosts. Ghosts that need to go back into the shadows where they came from.
In a nutshell I had a total melt down that I felt like an idiot for. I did not feel like an idiot that I got upset and cried. I felt like an idiot for trying to get explanations and understanding of someone and something that I actually understand perfectly well. If you put words to some things it cheapens them. Words are only words and I do not need that. I know everything I need to know. I was figthing for control of my situation and myself. I was fighting against nothing.
I have had an epiphany though, I acutally had not made sense of it at all until I was driving home this moring, it was bugging me though, I had no understanding of why a perfect evening of fun and shenanigans had dissolved into tears. I still don't know if I have the words to explain it. I do know that the second he thought he had made me feel bad I felt a piece of my heart break because I knew it had all come out wrong and misguided.
The epiphany this morning came to me like someone pulled a curtain back. There are no layers to this. This is exactly what it seems. I have been told this of course about a thousand times in the last 8 months, but if I am being honest I have heard that before and there have always been layers and games.
They say that women play games I think people play games and if you are lucky enough to find a person that does not, then don't fuck it up by looking for games where there are none.
Everyone has their demons, I think maybe just maybe I may have had the last battle with a few of mine. I can not begin to explain how grateful I am that even though he didnt understand and was not really sure what the hell I was trying to say, he was there. I was a freak and he was still there. I was looking for concrete definitions on things that can not be defined, probably felt like he was under a microscope and he was still there.
The next morning, puffy eyed, hungover and feeling like I was hit by a bus, I have rarley felt more beautiful. There was no judgement just happiness in my company. Today I am cleansed, exposed, naked and at peace.
I have been given a gift. The gift of knowing that there is someone in the world that does not mind that I am a soggy freak, a spazzy ginger, a softie or a bag.
I think Karma owed me this one. We're square now. As for my hauntings, they can go away now, we are square too.