Thursday, June 6, 2013

the curse of expieriance * took me 3 days to write this post*

*I began this post on Monday night. Its's Thursday today, might not make a large amount of sense to anyone but me* Everyone has one story. One things that has happened in life that wakes them in the middle of the night sweating. One thing that you dont talk about much because the pain of remembering becomes so fierce it is unbearable. I have wondered often in life why some things have happened in my world. I am not speaking of the usual or controllable things like reltionships or bad descisions. Those are the things that you can choose to regret or not to regret. For the most part I do my best to never regret things. I mean the uncontrolable things. I am getting to a point here. I have never been able to see reason in why my father died the way he did. I hardly ever speak about it to people, I dont mind talking about the illness so much but those last days were something I would like to forget and never think about again. I can do that most days, but 10 years later I still sit up with a shock in the middle of the night thinking I am on a hospital cot.. waiting... Tonight I was asked to go out with a friend who is going through the same hell right now. She is losing a mother, and a young one. She is the caregiver as her mom is at home. She is giving the morphine every 2 hours by injection, she is watching a disease eat the person she loves in front of her. She is too now just waiting. She is terrified. She is outwardly calm but came to me with so many questions. "what can I expect?" being among them. So tonight I had to tell my sad story. There is a thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night, something I was never warned about and I didn't want her to have to be woken up in the same horror so I told her my story. I am now seeing it behind my eyes and I can feel things looking over my shoulder tonight. My experiance is like most I am sure, there is the waiting, there is the acceptance and there is the end. I didnt know there would be blood and that is what I always end up seeing when I sleep. I acutally began writing this post two days ago and feel today that I can finish it. I think I found some peace in it, I think I can finally find at least SOME reasoning, some good to come from the thing that has been likely the most horrible time of my life. She said to me " you are my only friend that gets it" Sadly at 33 I guess I am heading into the phase of my life where there will be more people around me that have to walk that path. I will walk it again, I hope not for a long time. The curse of experiance is that you are forced to relive terrible things in order to help someone else have a less terrible time with things. Death I think is probably the ultimate. Death is only scary for the dying until the end, The hardest part comes after they are gone and you have to sort out what to do with that spot in your life that they used to fill. I am far to familiar with that role. In a way though, that has always been my role. I have done things first. I have been the one to take it on and then use the events of my life to try to make sense for others. I never asked to be that person it just seems that I find myself in situations where that happens. Married first, kids first, lost parents first. Many times over I have had the questions "what can I expect" posed to me by peers. I think if I can accept this as being something good I can do instead of something bad I want to forget, maybe I can finally stop waking up in the middle of the night seeing blood running from my fathers face and soaking into my hand on his hand. Maybe Ave maria will stop haunting me in those wee hours and maybe just maybe I can learn to walk with my ghosts instead of trying to run away from them when they decide to appear.

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