Friday, May 10, 2013

please turn off my brain!!! ( just for a bit)

So Last night was a terrible night. I felt so far away from the Blonde and Fabulous me that I had created and felt like a nail biting lump curled up in my bed watchign stars. Worried about the work day ahead. Worried about a million other stupid things that I have no control over in my life. It was a bad head space for me to be in . I spent hours thinking, Its not very often in my life and I have zero human interaction for hours at a time. There is always someone or something virtually or otherwise who I am chatting with , spending time with, etc. Last night I was totally alone with my thoughts. At first it was great, I had a wonderful " me " evening. I knit, I watched the first half of the "Greys" season finale. ( jerks, I hate cliff hangers) and then I tried to go to sleep early. My brain would not shut off, I dont really know still what had me going. I think A piece of it was the fact that I am just not feeling confident in my job yet, I feel like I should be farther ahead than I am. Everyone insists that I am right on track , but I like to be ahead of the track. I do not want to lose track of the ultimate confidence I had in my last position coming into this one. I still feel like I am playing dress up and one day they are going to sort that out. At 1 am I made a vague effort to see if anyone on the internet world was awake, probably a good thing I didnt get an answer, I was feeling just wrong about everything and everyone. It was better I didnt have anyone to talk too. So I sat up and watched the stars change until just after 3. Listened to my cats cry at the door becuase they are not allowed in, went and sat wtih them awhile. It was a strange alone but not entirely lonly night. SO I came out of it today still feeling a little funky. I will happy when the day is done today. My plan is to go and drink wine with D. He is still the thing I think of when I wake in the morning, and the one calming thought in my waters today. ( ACK just for fun I just spilt coffee on myself) Anyways yeah, Our relationship has definatly become more human I think, I think I am less falbbergasted that he exists now and just happy for it. I have not blogged about him much other than crypticaly just because I wanted to be sure of my own brain and well, I just didnt really want to share some things with the depths of the internet. That is probably very " unbloggy" of me, but every girl has her secrets. I guess that is half of my problem, I do have my secrets, nothing big and dark, nothing tangible either, mostly just that I feel like I spend life playing dress up . Its Mommy time , or its work/professional time, I spend so much time fitting other molds! I have a very restless soul, an adventurers soul. I feel like the only time I can acutally take the guard down and just be is when I am with D. He " saw" me from the word go. Since I met him it has been my goal personally to drop walls in my life and attempt to let some people in. Not really sucessfull so far. I was also thinking about all of this last night, why cant I let people in? why am I always so determined to keep everyone at arms distance? I love to listen but have such a hard time talking about me. I can spout off good things until I am blue in the face but I can't seem to talk about the things that burn holes in me. I was told by my ex many times when we were together that my pride would be my curse. I don't think its pride at all. I am prideful true, but mostly I think that my distance and the tendancy to be " in my shell " as I have been told is more like a kitten hiding under a bed. If you try to drag me out , you will likely bleed. Just wait and I will get there on my terms. This is a little disconnected but that is the way this blog runs from time to time. What I dont want to do is stay in my head all the time. I want to come out and know that I have someone who just accepts me when I do. I think I have that now, I think it is just up to me. I am a little afraid that when the dark places in my mind are allowed to run free that I may wreck a little of the sunshine and lollipops impression I give off. Sometimes I think I should come with a disclaimer that says : Yes I am optimistic but I am also the girl that fantisizes about putting the pen through the eye of the client that just pissed me off. I get mad fast and easily, I snap first and ask questions later sometimes. Sometimes I cry because I feel like I should be able to do more than I do for my kids , I feel like a flunk as a mother. Sometimes I feel like a flunk as a girlfriend because i feel like I am just simply not very good at it. Sometimes I would like to tell my whole life to piss off, not for any good reason, just because I dont really think I am adding anything to the worlds of the people I love. I lack the ability to clearly complain because I have been told so many time times to shut up and suck it up , thats just what life is about. I look after people who dont appriciate it and I have no idea how to tell the people that I do love what they mean to me. I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am maybe a little broken in some spots but I have a bottomless heart and if you can get through the iron gates I am wonderful in there I swear. There is not even a pad lock on the door , I just have to trust you enough to let you in. So understand dark dreary and broody is just a piece of who I am . It lets me write and it lets me sing. Without it my art would be a dead thing and I would be empty. Lots of times I do not have a reason specifically to be broody or in my head, lots of times I do. If it is your fault you will probably know about it. All I want is just to be and not have to think about that. Disclaimer should be worn around my neck at all times, then there would be no suprises, but clients would never let me use pens again..... Anyways the part of my work day I have stressed about is upon me. Its an in my head day so far but I am hopefull I can get out of it before I go and see D. Usually , all things gross fall away when I get there. I am a very lucky woman in that respect. I think I just have to stop trying to undertand what he sees. I dont need to know, that's his deal. I just get to enjoy it. SO incredibly thankful for all that. I know I blither, and it comes out all wrong but I think what I really want to say half the time is just simply, "thanks, I get it now, and I didnt even know that I didnt get it before". ok ok, This whole thing is babble but I am leaving it, its what I do .

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