Thursday, May 23, 2013

Contrast.

It has taken me the better part of a week to be able to talk about my weekend. As it is I was determined I was not going to bitch but then I thought, what is the point of a blog if not to bitch? I swear sometimes I look back on choices I have made and think.. OK was I just stupid or was that person different when I decided to have them in my life before? I am not talking about D thankfully. This weekend I had had My kiddo's dad come and stay for the weekend to see her. I am going to be fair in my recounting here although most of me does not want to even be decent. It was bad. End of story. It was silent and awkward and I was so upset. Normally we have gotten along really well. This is the person who bought me the Metallica tickets last mothers day and who has been my friend through the whole 7 years since we were together. I don't know what was up with him this weekend. I think it was likely more to do with the fact that he had a relationship end right before he came to stay and I am in happy fuzzy land. Its not like I was running around shooting rainbows and skittles out of my mouth though. I can hardly say how happy I am TO D, let alone about him. Cat seriously has my tongue on that one, but that is a completly seperate ball game. I hardly knew the person who was at my house this weekend. Critical and alienating. Made me feel small. I have spent the last almost 6 months.. ( I can hardly believe that its been that long already ) feeling amazingly fabulous. I have been feeling like I mostly have life sorted out and that there is someone in my life that gets me. A person that i feel like a beautiful person when I am with. It was like someone sucked all the colour out of my life over the weekend. I actually had a twitch in my eye. The funniest part is I am completely grateful for my terrible weekend. I can hardly describe the contrast between where my life used to be and where it is now. The weekend was just a huge reminder of that. I think it's easy to get complacent, a person can become used to being happy and thats is a great thing, but I had a window into what it was like to be miserable. I had a reminder of what it was like to be really unhappy with myself because I was then. All I know is I was with D last night and I felt peaceful, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. I went out for a smoke at one point and sat on the porch alone and cried. I was happy, I had no idea what it meant to actually just be happy in a relationship until this. I KNOW how fuzzy that sounds. I know I have said it before. It became more obvious to me over the weekend. I tried to tell him but as usual I feel like it just came out as drunk mumbles. He knows though, he gets me and he knows the things I try to spit out. I have made a choice to stop trying to spit them out actually. I do not feel the need to validate myself or to be convincing of what is goin going on in my head or my heart. Seeking a response is to seek answers and reassurance. I require neither. I am not asking a question. He thanked me. It's so strange to me to be thanked when I feel like I am the lucky one, I feel like I am the one who could never say thank you enough. Anyways, its done now, back to my life with a little more appriciation for what I have. I think it is always good when things happen to make you aware and grateful for what you have. Even if I lack the ability to ever put it into the right words.. Drunk mumbles and ranty blogs will have to do. As an aside, I really hope that the kiddo's Dad get his head out of it's current location. It would be nice to go back to being able to spend time and not have it leaving me feel like I am two inches tall.. but really.. I guess thats my choice isn't it?

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