Friday, April 5, 2013

unexpected sunshine and resolve. Happy Weekend!

I know I said I just keep this blog for me, but I am excited to see I am almost at 1000 page views. Only took 2 years! Today is Friday but not Freeday, I wont have my weekend freeday this week. I am on a very restricted diet due to trying to sort out what I may or may not be allergic too. The bonus is that I will likely lose weight because I am not allowed to eat anything! Todays food has consisted of an apple, black coffee and the almond milk latte I am on my way to get in a few minutes. Sure has been a reality check though going through a bunch of medical tests again. I was happy to be done with it before, although I was never happy with the answers they came up with. I am fairly prideful and if I hate anything I hate admitting that I am not 100%. That comes from being sick for a few years, the relying on other people, the lost days in pharmaceutical land. Not to mention the fact that my support system when I had my surgery ( radical hysterectomy at 25) checked out. He not only left me, he left me with a 2 year old and my mother while he ran off to play with a not 19 year old who was not post surgery and who could go have fun. I actually do not have bitter feelings to any great degree to that part of my life, I like where I am today, so I guess I might not be here if all that had not taken place. The point is I had to rely on people for a long time pre surgery. I was very very sick. I had to rely on people alot post surgery and then continuing while they sorted out my medications and dietary needs. I felt for a long time I WAS my ailments because I was treated that way. Anytime I wanted to exercise, go out , have a few drinks, short myself on sleep, anything that was strenuous, the response from people was always the same. " do you think you can handle that? are you feeling OK" I have fought HARD to come back from the emotional dead. I do not want anyone asking me if I think I am strong enough to do something. I don't want anyone telling me to "take it easy". My mother has already begun. So I say a big FUCK YOU, to whatever my stupid body thinks it is doing. I am not playing! I have no desire to ever sit back and need help again. I am not fragile, I am not weak and I most certainly do not need to take it easy! Spent way to long taking it easy and was left feeling like a marshmallow on the outside and void of emotion on the inside. I have way to much to do to have time for issues. I digress.. ranting a bit. So, tomorrow is Freeday this week, but on a much smaller scale, ( yay wine). The sun is out today and was not supposed to be! lifts my spirits! Last night was a great night with D, I laughed alot, was still on a high from Karaoke the night before. Feeling good today! Night with the kid tonight!

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