Today is not about the happiness project. Frankly I am bored, kinda tired of talking about it for now, there is 105.00 in the account and the project continues as soon as I can sort out what is next to focus on.
I had a night of revelations last night.
I went out to karaoke , needed to sing a few songs. When I left the house I was feeling tired, itchy, frumpy, boring, and all other things. I was far from the fierce and fabulous ginger that I see in my mind. All I really wanted to do was crawl into my Jammie's and pull the blankets over my head for the night. Heading into a crowded bar full of strangers was the last thing I wanted to do , but I felt like I needed to somehow.
I was so right.
It took me 25 minutes to decide what to sing, I just needed to feel something from the music, I needed it to transform me yesterday. When I did get up , the world stopped. It was just me, I had no control over what came out of me it just came and with it all of the junk I was hanging on to yesterday. I walked off the stage feeling better.
It wasn't until the second round though, after I had been socializing with people I didn't know very well, hit on by more than a couple people who get starry eyed over a redhead that sings, and found my fabulous that I got up and blew the roof off the place.
I do not really know what part of me that passion was hiding in, I didn't know it was there but I sang from a place that I have not even looked at for a long time. Whole room went nuts it was fantastic!
By the time I got home I was song drunk. I talked to D a bit but could hardly contain my head, all I wanted to do was exist in my euphoria. I woke up still in it today. It wasn't the singing, it was the release, the revelation of another piece of myself I thought maybe I had killed.
I have sang alot, but I have not let go and sang alot. Last night.. I let go. Not looking back.