Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The "Erica" list.

There is a show on CBC called "Being Erica". It has run its course now but was a fantastic show. The basis was that a 32 year old woman whose life was basically falling apart, hits rock bottom and is approached by a DR that says he can fix her life, results guaranteed. Sounds like a great offer right? Well, it got better. The basis for her therapy was that she would write a list of her greatest regrets and in turn the DR would send her back in time to relive the regret and learn what she could. This of course was a very clever show, I watched the first three seasons until the wee hours of the morning every night when H and I split. There was a certain comfort in escapism. It helped to take my mind off the fact that it had only been days not weeks or months and he was out with a girlfriend, coming back to my house at god knows what time in the morning after doing exactly what you can imagine. Days not weeks. I definitely wanted out and had for years, but I still felt like none of it had mattered if I could be literally replaced within 72 hours. And, intensely replaced, they were talking "rest of our lives" blah blah blah. I digress...back to "Erica". So I was not sleeping, smoking alot, not eating, drinking too much coffee and desperately needed a world to sink into. Who knows the things that will help you, but as she became able to tackle her world I found some strength to tackle mine too. Like I said I really needed something at that point. The reason I bring this up today is because I think its time for my "Erica" list. I re-read all the posts from this blog yesterday and realized how far I have come over the last year of my life. I am a completely different version of the person I was then, but I am still haunted by some things in my past. I have come to the conclusion recently that I really would not change a thing. I really like me, I like where I am in my life and I feel ill at the thought of not having some of the people in my life I have. I would be without them if it were for a few different choices. But, I am haunted non the less. The saying goes " If I only knew then what I know now" well I cannot go back in time physically but I can do it with words. So here goes.. the list. And with it hopefully some peace for things I have a hard time putting to bed. * little sister go away * Grandpa * M and the coffee table * Going back to M * 18 and I do * H and I do * The day we yelled at mom for 3 days. * Moms grad from NIC. * Selling the Sunfire. * The night the phone rang at 3am. I know I have more. I am not going to air these out publicly either, well.. I might but I am currently undecided on that one. This feels like any surgery. First I need to do the operation, then comes the part where you get better. But there it is, the list.. there are more, they are flying into my head as I am typing but for today thats just going to have to be it. I don't even know when I might revisit this.. if I revisit this. Maybe I don't need to. One thing for sure, its better than paying 80.00 an hour to tell someone else!

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