Monday, January 14, 2013

The Trouble with Trouble.. ( not tribbles)

I'm fighting the good fight , I really am! blonde and fabulous.. I am woman blah blah blah .. Crap. So what do you do when you have a conversation that does not seem to end? When you are happily forgoing sleep to keep it going? How do you put the brakes on so that you don't end up ass over teakettle with no composure left? And a good wine hangover to go along with it? Well you defiantly go out for lunch again .. right? I mean that would be the logical thing to do! Seriously I have to stop living in that TV drama with the theme music. It really does not matter anymore. It is what it is and I give up. UNCLE!!! I will become an insomniac and alcoholic before I sort it all out though. Anyways, interesting factoid that has nothing to do with trouble or stem wear, Mr X seems to have a girl. Its always interesting to me when this happens , a strange version of the reality that you thought you had. He and I have so long co-existed in this strange place of commenting when something looks interesting but when the serious ones come along we never seem to speak of them to each other.. There was always that awkward bit where you cant help but see flashes of what you were when they talk about what is new and shiny. I don't have that this time. I do not believe its due to the trouble with trouble (or stem wear) because I figured there was something going on with him as I may have eluded to earlier. Anyways the point of this rambling in a wine fog is that I don't have that tiny poke in my guts over the concept of him having a girl. I am thrilled by that because it means I am actually feeling happy in my life. Blonde and fabulous! I am heading over to hang out for the weekend next weekend, go to the casino and chill out. I am thinking that I may have to tell him about the troubles I am having.. That means I have to regain the ability to speak . I feel like I am in that place when you have a really good dream and you have just begun to wake, I don't want reality to come crashing in and remind me that I cant actually fly. I just want to bask. I don't want to be WRONG! Freaking training wheels! That is what I feel like, like I am riding with training wheels. Am I too little to be on the bike? or , Am I just the right size and afraid of falling over? Wow with the metaphors today .. oh well, it is what it is.. I blame the rain . This post is really rambly at best. Actually I know what is really bugging me, in the past few days I have been talking about all the little broken bits of me. Reliving some scary places, and not even beginning to scratch the surface of all the experiences I have had. Most of them not good. I don't want to sounds tragic, and then I grumble over being concerned about sounding anything. I AM ! And that has to be OK . I cant fall into reliving the ugly bits. I know there are some stories that will have to be told one day. I have to steel myself to that I cant just discuss some of it Willy nilly . I have not met a person that I wanted to tell any of it too for a long time.. a LONG time. I could run. I could hightail it so fast in the other direction right now. I would regret that very very much , but I could do it. So, I have made myself a promise. I will not high tail and run, but I will make sure that this is a slow adventure. I don't know how much I am willing to admit its an adventure yet.. its just trouble .. never have been good at staying out of trouble. ;)

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