Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I knew it was coming....

OK, the panic attack has arrived. Not the adorable " hee hee this is scary" but the " OK, this seems way to familiar and easy and I am allowing my emotions to rule me " Panic attack. So I have to talk it through. I don't want to panic...But I don't want to read way more potential into something than there is. I choke even thinking there is potential frankly. Whats freaking me out? a few things. First off... I cant shake the feeling that I SWEAR we have met before. I have no idea where or when . If that is a good or a bad thing, or if it is just the ease of conversation making me think so . At the end of the day , I just do NOT know enough about this person to be falling into silly girl land. A girlfriend told me this morning to quit looking for faults in everything that could be a good thing in my life. I have never ever seen myself as a glass half empty person. I guess It happened when I wasn't looking. The other thing freaking me out is I really don't know if I have the capacity to just believe anymore. I want to .. I think I just need to know more. I DON'T want to sounds like I am conducting an interview. The worst part of all of it is that if I were on the other side, I would be running so fast away from someone who could not get through an admission of attraction without wanting to bolt. Whatever, It is what it is. The girl who believed in sunshine and lollipops might be dead, but I think I am the one standing on her grave with the knife in my hand. I don't want that to be my fate. But I have to know more. I was picked by a statement the other day that got the hamster in the wheel spinning in my head. I have to know what it meant. I have told all my scary stories and now am feeling that the conversation is slightly slanted. Fuck, when did I get so hung up on avoiding more crazy that I fell into crazy myself?? I am fighting all urges to delete this post , because I know it will be read and I fear the result of that. Thats not my rule though.. I don't delete. I am what and who I am . I am pretty freakin amazing actually , so Whatever. I am waaaaay over-thinking this. This is exactly what I do .. I will think myself right into a corner and then kick at anything that gets close. Probably why I keep this blog. I often hope it will stop me from kicking.. I feel slightly better but I still need some answers. When someone says " I should have lead with the story of my silly life but didn't" It causes me a little insecurity and makes my mind fill in the blanks. ( yeah I said that one cause I know you read it and its been stuck in my brain). OK I'm done.. Going for lunch with a girlfriend and going to get out of my head for a bit.. None of it really matters anyways because there is no talking to me when I am on the slippery slope. Its too late to not find out more now.

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