Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Back on the horse.

It has been 2 months since I wrote. In that time I have moved my husband out of my house, started smoking again , although that is done very soon. sept 1 is the date. I am down though a total of 25lbs through all of it, I lost 8 the week that we split up, after the human ALPO breakfast. Now though , I seem to be stuck, I have been at 168 lbs for 3 weeks and I need to kick it up a knotch , I am thrilled wtih my new self, dont get me wrong but I feel like I am stuck somehow. I guess it was easy to rest on my laurels while I looked at the rest of my life. That is another exciting venue though.. I need to get going again, So, I am watching my food intake. Last few days have not been great, I have been induging. I have to admit that scares me a little.. I have always been such an emotional eater. It is really scary to be back " on the scene" so to speak. I am trying to be in a really confident place but really I largely feel like I am too washed up for the concept of finding a new relationship. Incedently I am not really looking. I have dabbled wtih the concept of dating sites and have acutally set up a few profiles. The issue is each time someone responds to me I feel terrified. I dont want to be alone, but I dont want to be with the wrong someone ever again. I am trying to be in a relationship with myself I guess, despite how hokey that sounds. I have been watching " the secret" alot again , and have been focusing on what I WANT in life. I think I will write a list, literally a check list of what I want in a partener for my life. Its hard because my ex ( my daughters dad) is my best friend, my very very best friend. He is my go to for everything. He is a great love and I cant imagine my life without him . We both know we love each other , but the reasons that divided us are still reasons, we still want different things in life. I think I am greiving the realization of that more than anything else. I am not grieving the loss of my mariage ( the recent one ) only happy its over actually. We are still friends too but its not the same. If I could wave a want and make my best friend magically want a quieter life in a smaller town. If I could make him want to be someone who could work wtih his hands and be a better communicator. IF I could wave that wand, I would do it in a minute because I LOVE him. He fits me on a million levels and he is my basis for comparrison in all others. I really know in my heart though that I cannot compromise on what I need in a person. THe thing that I need are just too important to me. Does that stop me from having a great love for him and enjoying him whenever I can ( his company that is ) . NO WAY , not like I am seeing anyone anyways. I am finding my way back.. and he is helping me on the way for sure. So , that is my life so far to date. Down 25 hopefully more next week .

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