Tuesday, October 4, 2011

realization

Yesterday was a bad day and a good day. I had an interesting realization, I definatly have the ability to eat compulsivley. Not only do I have the ability, I do it. I have this theory that I run to the marshmellows instead of the ciggerettes I used to run too. I managed to steadily gain weight over the last 4 years. That is right when I quit smoking. I tried to explain this to my husband . He dosnt think I am an " over eater" but I say that is becasue I am so damn good at hiding it. sneaking sugary wonderfulness in the icecream bucket when I am heading to the washroom in the middle of the night. literally shoving 2 pieces of cake down my throat in the staff room before anyone can come in to see that I am eating it. I plan when I am going to " cheat" on my eating plan. I think about going for dinner all week and reasons why I can get away wtih eating anything I want. I also eat in the same pattern I used to smoke. Lots at night. Thinking about the next snack before I am done the first one. So today so far has been a good day. I am thinking that if I can continue to equate snacking to smoking I will keep in the right mind frame. I have the same feeling of fear though, I feel like if I give up all the " good stuff" then there will be nothing to comfort me when I feel like I need it. my aunt is in the hospital , she is more than unwell. we are very close. I spend my evenings thinking about her, and end up eating to not feel . Same way I used to smoke. I am a true addict in alot of senses. I need to figure out how to addict myself to something else. I would love to think it could be exercise but to be honest I am capeable of going too far in the other direction so I need to keep that in moderation. I honestly dont know which way to turn so I am staying with the " low carb" approach. at this point in time sugar is my nicotine and I cannot have " just a little" . I would love to think that I am in control of this but the truth is I am uncomfortable, depressed and not in control at all. Today has been a good day . I have not snacked. I have had a boiled egg, one coffee with cream and sweetener, a piece of chicken and now I am drinking tea ( lemon ginger) with nothing in it. Just hold , as my mother is fond of saying.. Just hold. This happens just like smoking stopped. One day at a time.

No comments:

Post a Comment