Friday, October 28, 2011

Down so low.

I am down soo low this week . Sadly I am not talking about the pound department. My daughter ended up in the hospital. Not sure what was up yet, just know that she has low blood cells ( complicated to explain) and they care making sure she gets a dose of everything that is going around. She came home from hospital only to find that she had contracted a Staph infection while she was there. So I have been raw. I refer to myself as having no skin when I feel this way. Any little thing has the tendency to feel like a big thing. So when my husband decided this was a good week to be distant , aloof and really no different than he usually is I felt it more than usual. Couple this with a couple of temper fits, never at me although it feels like it. And I have been eating whatever I want this week.
To tell you the truth I will probably keep doing that until I feel like I have my head on straight. Monday is a good day to try again .
Its unbelievable some days how I can feel so unhappy in the life I have created for myself. My daughter is the thing that keeps me going. That is just truth. So , her being ill was about the scariest thing that could be happening to me.
I am alone in my marriage. My husband would argue that is by choice, and maybe it is, but I cannot feel close or warm to a man who is cold as stone , passionate about the world but not about his wife and lost in a career that is by nature... solitary. I don't know where that is going to go . I have 6 months left in a one year promise to try and fix it so I will keep going forward but some days that is alot harder than others. Today is a hard day.
I am going to take back me. I don't know how to do that yet. I remember me, and I was pretty great. I was 16 the last time I saw me.... I think I need to find the power to pull happiness back into my life.

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