Friday, April 17, 2015

Itchy Gypsy feet

I am not a person who sits still easily, and I am on a three day working week until I go on mini-vacation again with the boy having just come back from mini vacation with the boy.

I am a cat in a cage today. Twitchy, and want out. Its lunch time which signals almost the half way mark so that part is good I suppose.

Had the most awesome 2 days in the city, wandering downtown, good food, good drinks and plenty of both. Killer show and a full day Thursday of people watching. I would love to be free all the time. I was so relaxed having to time frame, no schedule. I felt like the person that often feels confined by the structure of my life. Sadly in real life there are alot of people that rely on me.

Thankfully there are get aways, mini vacations and I have a gypsy for a boy that gets the value of not planning.

I have to find the chill out button again though, have to make it through the next 4 days of being responsible before I get to slack off again.

Rant rant, vent vent. Thank you tiny corner of the internet for having a moment to let this gypsy dream of a life without a schedule.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Dance and shine. Be Exposed.

Something I learned today. 

Some people say the dangers of having ones heart exposed, beating outside of your chest, are numerous. 
The heart gets exposed to all the assailants of the outside world, It stands the danger of being too hot or too cold, It can beat to fast or to slowly and it always runs a much higher rist of being bashed or bruised. 

So, I tried to tuck it in. Nice and safe beating in my chest, each day getting stronger, bruises become scars and eventually you cant feel them any more. 
The heart then gets to spend its time protected, and the owner is sheilded from the dangers of the outside world. 

There is a down side. No one can see its brilliance, the way the chambers work, the colour changes, the purity in the fact that even when it gets bumped, it still beats. Steady , strong but beats. 
What good is the miracle of a heart if no one knows that it is there, If it never had the chance to face the outside and still survive. 

I took out my heart today, I turned it in my hands and looked at the scars. I wept for the memory of them and I found there was still pain when they were touched. 
I noticed something new, there was a beauty in the webbing, the way the lines connected the ridges an the folds, the way they shone and danced with each beat in a patter that was unique to me. 
There were places I could see the beat was a struggle, the tissues tighter where the scars ran deep.
Some one saw me while I was holding it, I was tempted to hide it again but they looked too, and told me it was beautiful. 
They saw my scars, and admired the way the it shone and danced with all its scars, they way it just kept beating. 

I left my heart out today, to dance and be exposed to the assailants of the outside world. I won't put it back in my chest, I can't. How can you deny something powerul enough to dance and shine, even when the old wounds hurt. It just keeps beating.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

feeling bitterly human today

I would like my right arm back now please.

So my youngest kiddo is visiting with the paternal one and has been since last Saturday. I have come to realize that I am indeed a soggy creature. Was trying to put my finger on why I am so distracted and broody today and I think I just miss the kid.

They are funny little creatures, It is not like I spend all day talking to her, but she is always just kinda there. Invisible connection and all of that. In any case I am blathering it out here so that I can stop wimping at the boy about it and maybe move on with my day.

Makes me wonder if it is an easier adjustment when kids grow up and move out. In a blink they have gone from underfoot rug rats to people and now to almost grown ups. On one hand I am super excited for the freedom that means. The ability to run amuck and be a rootless gypsy as I want to. Or will I feel a hollow pit in my belly? I doubt it. I think it is easier to accept when they are adults and busy adulting.
Hard to say.

All I know is today I am thinking 8 days feels like a long time. I have been on a huge path of self discovery and progression the last while. I have started 2 new blogs. One on the art of living simply and basically as cheap as possible and another that is outlining my journey on a ketogenic eating plan. I am very invested in them and having a blast with the writing. I have been very excited about it all. I seem to have a decent page view happening for them both and have been working hard at content. and

Writing them has helped me to remember how much that is what I love to do. I have booked a new tattoo for the 23rd and soon going on a mini holiday with the boy. I have no reason to be broody. But, I am and so be it. I suppose it is just simply a day. Either that or I am getting sick, I often get moody right before a cold so lets hope that is not the case.

May you all have a great day and really if you feel like checking out the blogs, I would not object!


Whiskey G

Monday, March 30, 2015

Overwhelming gratitude

I have not written in a while. Actually when I looked it has been Almost 4 months since I even looked at this blog. So much has happened but as most of it has been in my head, not much has been worth reporting.

I am bubbling over today though, I need to put it somewhere and since this is my tiny patch of internet real estate, seemed logical.

I am bubbling over with gratitude about my life. I really have won the life lottery in a lot of ways. I have a job I can stand most days and I have "that" relationship. The one that people roll their eyes at you cause you dont ever throw your hat in the the " bitch about my spouse " Ring. Not that any human is perfect but the good far outweighs anything else.

I am in decent health, better than it has been in a long time and my head is quieter than it has been for a while. I have days when my anxious nature gets the best of me. I just ride them out now, sit on my hands and wait for it to pass as I know now it does.

When I started to write this I was so lost, I wrote it all down because that was the only thing I really knew to do in order to think clearly. Now I am feeling the need to write because I NEED to write. It still helps me think but it is more of a creative flow. I had no idea who I was staring at in the mirror, some wretch who had no clue what she wanted out of life.

I still dont know what I want to be when I grow up, I probably never will. I have no idea if my life will look the same in 5 years, 10 years, If I will be with the same person or if I will have the same job. The difference in my soul is that now I dont care. I want to see that all come to pass, ( maybe not the job part ) but something that I love but I am at peace with not knowing if it will be.

I just wanted to state to the 4 people that may ever read this blog that things are good. I am very happy in my life. A whole person who is finding out all the things that she forgot about. The things I love to do and believing now that maybe I can actually do them better than average. Feel pretty powerful and blessed for lack of a better word.

Not much to report, just saying thanks to the powers that be, life is good.

Monday, December 22, 2014

I'm an a$$

I am kicking myself. Hard.

I have a tendency when things go sour in my life to not deal, to bottle and then to pick a fight with the safest person I know wont walk away and then emote all over them.
Say things that I dont mean, usually when I am drinking. Its awful.
I thought I had it beat, I thought I was getting a little healthier on the emotional scale and then bam.

Holidays, plus family crisis and oh I was a rock, didnt cry, didnt panic did exactly what I had to and held everyone else together. Then Boom, I got ONE DAY with my man who i can say anything too. He is my rock when it falls apart, but did I say that? no.
Did I just simply curl up and say " i need you " no. I think my lips may fall off before I get that one out.

Nope, I drank scotch and before I knew it it was an ugly scene where I was picking at things that do not matter. I dont even know what I said but I have this impression in my head of being awful. I know I picked at nothing, just to give me a reason to melt down.

So I ask this? how do I overcome pride enough to just sit down and cry about something when it happens.

How can I let go of needed to be everyones rock and just let someone look after me when I need it ?

It can never happen again. He is understanding and all is well, but he is to much and matters to much to have to deal with me freaking about nothing.

How do i just simply overcome my terror of emoting and showing my broken bits?

all I know is I can never tear someone I love down again to give me an excuse to cry.
So, as I said , I am an A$$ and there is no amount of telling me it does not matter that will make me feel ok about it. Not going to dwell just need to get it out and let it go.

How does a person say when they need support? a million nice words cannot heal the sting of a cruel one, I know that first hand.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

low carbing it day 8.. NO POWER!

Hello all,
here is the one week low carb report. I have bounced around between feeling amazing with a ton of energy to feeling headachy and in a fierce sugar craving back to feeling pretty good.
All was going really well, until had a HUGE 3 day snow storm which knocked out my power last night.
Long story short, I ate chicken nuggets for dinner. Then, I ate gummy hearts, and half a bag of chips.
I went on such a carb bender!! Made the excuse in my head that really it was fine because I could not cook and I had to eat something!
I feel pretty regretful today, plus today my stomach hates me. So I am back on the wagon.
I do have to report though that I am down 5 lbs total in my little adventure so far, when I reported the 160, I got back on the scale and realized my little toe must have been hanging off or something because the lovely WII fit scale put me in at 162. Before my carb binge, my scale said 158. I will start taking the numbers from the WII fit though I think it is likely the most accurate.

Sigh, so now what. I have kicked myself out of ketosis, have to start all over. This is why they say not to bother with cheat days I guess.
The worst part is I still have no power! Not to mention half a bag of chips sitting at home that I didn't eat.
Its possible that my crown may not stay so shiny today but I am going to do my best.
Not so bad so far, coconut curry chicken soup and almonds.
Hope the power comes back on . I will post pics of the snow storm it was pretty incredible!
I am happy today to see the sun and hopefully I will be able to get to see D. Been a week, that does not sit well with me! I am working on looking at the positive.. sitting in the dark in 3 layers of shirts trying to be grateful for the quiet... yeah... sure.

lol OK well more to report next week. I can hear my little inside voice, if I make an excuse today I will make another one tomorrow. Before I know it I will be telling myself that Monday is a good start day and it will be game over.
I have a tiny grip on my brain still so I better stick to being on plan while I still have my sanity! No cheating!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Keto Day 4. The keto flu sets in

I thought maybe just maybe I was going to get lucky and not go through the dreaded "keto flu" or "induction flu" as most Atkins followers will know it as.
I am today slightly fevered, headache, feeling groggy and generally want to go to bed. The way I look at it, I have been spending a good portion of my days dealing with an undiagnosed auto immune issue that leaves me feeling like anyways so Meh, I am not too concerned about it. At least THIS I know will pass.
Changes I have noticed thus far have been my water retention is less for sure. My rings fit better and my hands are always the first place that I notice water retention.
my Skin is beautiful! In just 4 days of having a diet that is roughly 40% fat 50% protein and 10% carbs I can see a difference in those tiny things.
I have been doing alot of educating myself though and looks like I am still a little off in my ratios. in order to achieve an actual ketogenic diet that will get me "keto adapted" )meaning that I will be burning ketones for fuel in the body and not glucose) I should be eating about 70% fat, 25% protein and 5% carbs. That is harder than you think !
I have found the magic man though, I discovered Jimmy Moore. He is a wonder in the world of ketogenic diets. He has made it a mission to help educate people about the world of ketogenic eating.
I am going to stop referring to this as a diet going forward I think, just a side thought, I think that it maybe messes with your mentality if you think constantly that you are on a diet.
I will not bore you with all the " what I ate for breakfast" details, all you need to do is to cruise facebook to see enough of that from people.
I am more interested here in the science of this and the health benefits it can have.
I have been listening to a few podcasts on the subject, well OK, lots of them as I am in that hyper focused place I get to when I really want to learn something.
Our bodies are such amazing machines and science cannot be refuted as propaganda.
All I know is so far, ( I have not weighed myself due to the amount of water I have been drinking I think that the results may be inflated) but I do know that I feel better in my body. Yes, even through the dreaded "keto flu".
Also, just as another side note, for anyone who is thinking of giving this a shot, on one of the podcasts I was listening too they recommended an amino acid called GABA which promotes relaxation and decreases neurotoxicity. This has proved to be fabulous at decreasing the sugar cravings. I basically have none.
I did however have two glasses of wine last night. I did so knowing full well that they may set me back a day and that they may make the "flu" symptoms a little worse today. They did. Thats OK, they were wonderful and I have gotten right back on the wagon today.
I am continuing to measure my blood sugar because as I understand it , it can be a way to measure if you are effectively in ketosis. It can also be a way to measure what foods effect you in what way.
Example today at lunch I know I had too much protein, I had grilled spicy tuna and some edamame.
Excess protein can turn to glucose in your blood, this was the case today, my sugar as up around 5.7 2 hours after eating. I would like to see it consistent about 3.9 or 4.
Up with the fats I go.
I will continue to report, I have not decided when to weigh myself, likely Sunday morning, that will make it 6 days and hopefully enough time for my system to have normalized a bit.

Cheers for now!